I didn’t mean to kill her. It just was something that happened. It wasn’t planned or anything. I definitely had a problem, I loved her, and I was never ok with those feelings. I wasn’t ok with feelings at all. I didn’t know what to do with them, I couldn’t handle love right.

I laid there on my back as memories of her played through my head.

Her laugh.

She loved to laugh, she was always so happy, like there was never any evil in the world. At least in her eyes there wasn’t.

“I love you Aiden” she says as she looks at me with her eyes. Damn those eyes, they always caught me off guard, I was never prepared for them. They scared me, everything about her scared me.

“Don’t say that, you should be scared of me…” I tell her as I get up and walk away from her. “Aiden, you know you don’t scare me, you never have, and you never will…” She says, wrapping her arms around my torso, her head resting on my back.

I was messed up, she would show me love, and that just made me anxious… and the fact that she wasn’t scared of me… that made me very mad.

I opened my eyes, and sat up.

I had to hide her body, no, I had to bury her body, she was gonna get buried, I wanted her to be buried, not hidden, she didn’t deserve to be hidden.

I had my plan, I was going to bury her, somewhere pretty and peaceful, somewhere that suited her. Then I was gonna get out, and get far away from this place.

She was still in the bathroom, laying there on the cold tile. I took a deep breath before I opened the door.

I looked down at her body, she was just laying there, motionless. I had never seen someone die before, or someone 2 hours after they died. Even when dead she still scared me. Even when dead, she still mesmerized me.

“I’m so sorry Roth…” I whisper so quietly it was hard to hear myself.

I picked her cold body off of the ground, she was light, just like her spirit, light and soft. Wanting nothing more than to be loved.

I carried her to the kitchen and laid her body on the island that was in the middle of the room.

That was when I first realized exactly what I had done. I had ended a life, I had played God, I killed someone. Someone that did not deserve to die.

I looked down at her pale face. My breath got caught in my throat.

“God, I’m so sorry Roth!” I screamed as tears flowed down my face. “I’m so- so sorry…” I placed my face in my hands.

I had killed the one person who saw me and thought I was worthy of love, she believed in me, and she made me believe in myself.

“Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!” I yell as I grab an empty glass off the counter and throw it across the room. I left the room, leaving Roth there on the island. I couldn’t do it, not right now.

I had lost a friend, I knew I’d be alright, but not right now, I wasn’t able to take her body and bury it at the moment, I had to just process things. I knew I’d be fine without her, but it still doesn’t change anything, she was one less person on this planet, and that was my fault. She was going places, she had dreams, she wanted kids, she wanted so much. And I took that from her.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

2:09 am

I looked down at the little mount of dirt. My mind shut down. It was done, she was buried. I knew someone was going to find her, that’s how crimes went after all. I was going to get caught, and I didn’t even care. I deserved it, I deserved every cruel thing in this world.

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled down at the ground, then walked away.

I was scared, but I didn’t let it get to me. I didn’t have time to let it get to me.

I got in my car and drove away. Crying as I did so.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

I knew I had to get far, possibly flee the country, I didn’t know I just knew I had to get out of Oregon.

I decided to get rid of my car, I was gonna go to Toronto, leaving the country was probably the smartest thing I could do at this point, just hopefully in time.

Roth knew people, some people. Both her parents died when she was very young, leaving her to be an orphan. I met her at college, she used to always follow me around, it annoyed me, but one day when she didn’t follow me, I realized that I missed her annoying ass bothering me, so I asked her out. It was painfully awkward, I’m awkward in general, being with her didn’t lessen the habit.

I’m not bad at talking to people, I’m really not, I just don’t care too. I’m fully aware of how awkward I am, I just don’t know how not to be, Roth never seemed to mind it though, she actually laughed at my awkwardness, it put my mind at ease.

But that was over now, she was dead, and never coming back.

If she was with me right now, she would probably tell me to stop overthinking and that everything would just work out.

That was something she was good at, she was good at calming me down and bringing me back down to earth. She helped me escape my mind, my prison if I’m being honest.

I tried to focus on the things I could control at the moment, and not the things I couldn’t. It was a trick I played on my mind, I told Roth about it one night when she had a nightmare and woke up crying and sweating.

She was so scared, she was terrified. I still remember the way she hugged me that night, the way she clinged on to me and didn’t let go. It felt so nice, just the way she held me, I was protecting her, but in reality, she was protecting me.

“Roth, calm down… just breath, I’m right here… I’m here, you’re safe…”

She wasn’t safe with me, look what I did to her, I killed her… she wasn’t safe… she was never safe with me.

I walked along the road, I had left my car in the corner of an empty parking lot a ways back. I was freezing, and I had no idea where to go.

I had money, but not a lot. I needed more, I needed a lot in order to get to Toronto. I didn’t know if I was gonna take the bus or find another car, but I wasn’t going on a plane. I hated them, and I didn’t have the money for that.

I walked along as I thought. I just needed some time, and space. I need to get over all this. I can’t keep all this weight on my shoulders, even though that’s what I deserved. I can’t move on if I keep on missing her, I had to forget about her. I had to train myself to think as if she wasn’t even a part of my life.



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